Author’s Note
This month, The Serious Moonlight pays homage to my favorite rock-n-roller, Tom Petty. So, I’m planning four posts for April using lyrics from his songs that have long intrigued and inspired me. This is my final post. - I hope you enjoy it!
To learn about the genesis of The Serious Moonlight, click HERE.
You can find the first “Petty Post” HERE, the second one HERE, and the third one HERE.
Also, I have another Substack that highlights some of my favorite photography books. Check out On My Stand HERE
So you've had a little trouble in town || Now you're keeping some demons down —Tom Petty, Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around
You can read the story behind the story in The Liner Notes the end of this piece - or you can choose to “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
Mr. Collywoddle’s Bad Day
Mr. Collywoddle sat waiting impatiently for the CTO - the Chief Tormentor Officer - to finish his meeting with the previous demon. It was performance review time and all the demons had to account for their work over the past year. Collywoddle always laughed when he heard the mortals referring to their performance reviews as hell. “You ought to try a performance review IN hell,” he would mutter to no one in particular.
The door suddenly opened and a demon came slinking out. It was Bahr-Odum, an old colleague of his. They used to haunt the jail cells in Spain together during the Inquisition. Jeez, Bahr-Odom looked whipped.
“H’lo, Bahr-Odom,” Collywoddle said. “Raked over the proverbial coals, again, I see.” He couldn’t help the bad pun.
Bahr-Odom never even looked at him, but kept walking straight into the pits - the pits of hell, that is. This didn’t bode well for Collywoddle. Bahr-Odom was one of the most experienced possessors there ever was. If his review was bad, then heaven - err, hell - help the rest of them.
“Next!” boomed a voice from behind the slightly-open door.
Collywoddle gingerly approached the door, inhaled with a rasping gurgle, and stepped inside.
You are an insufferable blunderbuss of a possessor. You’re better suited to be a harmless poltergeist!
“SSSSit,” hissed the Chief Tormentor. Collywoddle’s file lay open on his desk and he began flipping through pages of notes. “How do you think you did this year?” the Chief Tormentor asked.
Collywoddle had heard that line used in human performance reviews, now he knew where it came from: hell!
“Given the circumstances of my client, I think I did quite . . .”
“SILENCE!,” yelled the Chief Tormentor, smoke seeping from every opening on his face. “You are an insufferable blunderbuss of a possessor. You’re better suited to be a harmless poltergeist! Look what is says here about your client: ‘He’s been having some trouble in town.’ Trouble is good for us. It’s what we thrive on. And yet your human has no trouble keeping you down.
“Well,” Collywoddle began, “it’s mostly yoga I think.” As soon as the words came out of his mouth he wanted to take them back.
“YOGA?! YOGA?! YOU’RE FAILING TO DEVOUR SOMEONE’S VERY SOUL BECAUSE THEY WRITHE ABOUT ON THE FLOOR AND CONTORT THEIR BODY INTO ANIMAL POSES?”
“Well, there’s meditation too.” Again with the poor word choice.
The Chief Tormentor began breathing in and out very slowly - as if he was trying to calm himself. Small smoke-puffs surrounded his head.
“See?” Collywoddle said. “That’s just what the human does anytime I try and capitalize on his naturally occurring anxious tendencies.”
That was the final straw. “Agnes,” roared the Chief Tormentor, “please process Mr. Collywoddle’s next assignment.”
“Wwwwhere…who?”
“This should be an easy one - even for you. She’s old. She’s poor. She lives in a terrible slum. You should have no trouble making her miserable.”
“What’s her name?” Collywoddle asked.
“I don’t know. Teresa, I think. Now get the heaven out of my office!”
Liner Notes
These lines are some of the oldest Tom Petty lyrics that I remember filing away. It always struck me as both cool and funny that the singer is “keeping some demons down.” So, in a blatant nod and wink to C.S. Lewis and The Screwtape Letters, I thought it might be curious to see what happens to demons when they’re kept down.
Next post by The Serious Moonlight: Lyrics from Jason Isbell